Many of us have heard the saying “to err is human, to forgive is divine.” Many of us have heard, and some of us have even said, “I can forgive, but I can’t forget.” These statements point to the fact that forgiving someone who has hurt us deeply often seems humanly impossible. A leading researcher in the area of forgiveness and health, Dr. Robert Enright, reports that he and his colleagues interviewed people in nursing homes who were still stewing over some wrong that was committed against them several decades ago. Most of them could not see how they could ever forgive the persons who had injured them.

As Christians, you and I are taught that we are to forgive our offender – not once, not twice, but, as Jesus tells us, seventy times seven – in other words, over and over again. But if forgiving our offender means that we may have to forgive that person over and over again, why would God insist that we engage in the painful work of forgiving?

Perhaps God knows something many of us don’t. When someone hurts us, our natural human tendency is to protect ourselves, to withdraw or to strike back. Forgiveness is often the furthest thing from our mind. Deciding not to forgive, however, is deciding to give our offender continual power over us.

How does refusing to forgive our offenders keep us tied to them?

Are we likely to spend precious time replaying the offense, thinking about what we should have said or done, talking to third parties about it?
Are we likely to go to places where our offender will be present?
Are we likely to sit near to our offender in church – especially if it means having to shake hands at the peace?

When we remain tied to our offender by refusing to forgive, we give that person the power to determine how we feel, what we think, where we go, how we behave, and even how we see ourselves. Imagine allowing ourselves to be defined primarily by our offender’s behavior towards us – “I’m a victim of incest;” “I’m a victim of physical abuse;” “I’m the adult child of an alcoholic.” While those may be part of our life experience, when we define ourselves primarily by another person’s behavior, we allow them to lead us further and further into bondage.

Imagine how it affects our ability to trust others – especially those who remind us of our offender.
Imagine how it influences our decisions – whether or not to take risks, where we go, who we allow into our lives.
Imagine how it keeps us on guard, always watchful, never quite able to fully be ourselves.
Most of all, imagine how it clouds our ability to see ourselves as we truly are – persons who are created in the imago dei – the image of God. Because every human being is created in the imago dei – the image of God, our value does not depend on how we look, how we behave or whom we know. Whether we are male or female, rich or poor, gay or straight, being created in God’s image means that each of us is inherently valuable. Refusing to allow ourselves to be mistreated affirms that we are created in imago dei. But refusing to forgive our offender denies that we are created in imago dei. In effect, it feeds our underlying fear that our offender’s opinion of us is more powerful than God’s conception of us.

Without a doubt forgiveness can be hard – it can be a long, difficult, painful process. However, the price of choosing not to forgive is even more costly – from health-related problems associated with longstanding bitterness, hostility and resentment, to the breakdown of community that often results from displacing anger onto innocent others, including our loved ones, to the injury to our spiritual integrity which comes from placing ourselves in a position that needs to be reserved for God alone. Choosing not to forgive means that the offender continues to have power over us – to determine how we feel, what we think, and how we behave. Choosing not to forgive keeps us tied to that person – expecting him to give us what he is unwilling and/or unable to give us – sometimes for the rest of our lives.

Have you been tied to someone who hurt you?
Do you want to be emotionally tied to that person for the rest of your life – by your thoughts, your words or your deeds?

So how do we allow God to lead us out of the bondage of unforgiveness? Spending time with God, getting to know God, and allowing ourselves to become grounded in an experiential awareness of God’s love for us is the best defense we have against becoming persons whose lives are marred by resentment and bitterness – the fruit of unforgiveness. Making a decision to engage in the process of forgiving our offender reveals a willingness to cooperate with God in freeing ourselves from bondage – the bondage of defining ourselves as victims – and moving into a future defined by God’s dream for our lives.

Before we take a look at the process of forgiveness, it may be helpful to clarify what forgiveness is not. In his book, Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope, Dr. Enright explores what forgiveness is – and what it is not.

For instance, he asserts that forgiveness is not condoning or excusing the offense. The injured person neither denies nor minimizes the offense. What was done was wrong and should not be repeated. There is a clear recognition that we are called to respect the dignity of every human being, including ourselves.

To forgive is not the same as to forget. Forgiving does not result in forgetting that the offense occurred. Instead, it changes the way we re-experience, remember or evaluate the event. For instance, a person who was sexually abused as a child may change a long-held belief that she did something to deserve the abuse.

Forgiveness is not the same as calming down. Simply because we no longer experience strong emotions when we think about it does not lessen the offense.

Similarly, forgiveness is not the same as pseudo-forgiving – “de nada” – it was nothing. Not so. It was something! Unfortunately, some persons adopt a pseudo-forgiving attitude in order to display a sense of moral superiority toward the offender, to show the offender that “you can’t hurt me,” or to control the offender by repeatedly bringing up the offense and then ‘forgiving’ the offender (typically executed in the presence of others).

Although they often are used together, forgiveness is not to be confused with reconciliation. Forgiveness requires one person. It is a choice to do the inner work that the process of forgiveness entails. Reconciliation is the process by which two or more formerly estranged persons work towards building a harmonious relationship. Unlike forgiveness, reconciliation requires two or more people. True reconciliation cannot occur without forgiveness. However, reconciliation can neither be genuine nor lasting unless the offender repents and works towards re-earning the trust of the injured person.

As we move further into the season of Advent, God invites us to make room in our lives for Jesus’ coming – coming to bring us the gift of a fuller, more abundant life.

Is there anyone who takes up too much room in your life because of unforgiveness?

How will forgiving that person free you to make room for Jesus?