So what is forgiveness? Simply put, when we choose to forgive someone, we are choosing to release that person from a debt he owes us. Although Christians are called to forgive, forgiveness remains a matter of free will. We can choose to forgive or we can choose to withhold forgiveness. In his book, Reconciliation: Restoring Justice, John De Gruchy, Professor of Christian Studies at the University of Cape Town, South Africa, reminds us that “Genuine forgiveness, like true repentance, is a painful process and not something that can be turned on like a tap.” Genuine forgiveness cannot occur without some degree of inner transformation.

What does forgiveness entail? Forgiveness requires that we recognize that every human being has a right to be treated with respect. No one has a right to injure us. When we are mistreated, forgiveness entails recognizing that we have a right to our feelings. Forgiveness also demands that we acknowledge that the offense was, and always will be unfair. In light of this fact, forgiveness then invites us to give up something to which we have a right – our anger and resentment. Forgiveness, therefore, is an act of mercy towards someone who does not deserve our mercy.

De Gruchy asserts that, when we forgive, “the power that once resided in the hands of the perpetrator is now in the hands of the victim. Forgiveness demonstrates that victims are no longer trapped in their ‘victimhood’ but have overcome the evil that sought to destroy their humanity . . . It turns victims into survivors . . . but even more, forgiveness enables those who forgive to overcome their bitterness and redeem their future . . .”

So what is the process of forgiveness? Lewis Smedes, author of Shame and Grace: Healing the Shame We Don’t Deserve, invites us to consider forgiveness as a personal drama with five scenes:

Scene One: We blame the shamer.
We hold him or her accountable. If we do not hold a person accountable for what they did to us, we will not forgive them. We may indulge them, perhaps, as if it did not matter much, or we may excuse them, as if they could not help what they did. But we will forgive them only if we hold them responsible for what they did to us.

Scene Two: We surrender our right to get even.
We take our natural right to a balanced account – a right to fairness. . . in our hands, look over it, consider its possibilities, and then surrender it. We agree to live with the score untied.

Scene Three: We revise our caricature of the person who shamed us
When we taste our resentment . . . our minds draw a caricature of our shamer. We turn him into a monster who is what he did to us. We see him; we feel him; we define his whole person in terms of how he shamed us. However, as we move with the forgiving flow, we gradually change the monster back into the weak and faulty human being he is (or was), not all that different from ourselves.

Scene Four: We revise our feelings.
As the frozen tundra of resentment melts, a tendril of compassion breaks through the crust. Sorrow blends with anger. Sympathy softens resentment. We feel emerging in our consciousness a hesitant desire for the other person’s welfare.

Scene Five: We accept the person who made us feel unacceptable.
In the last scene, we offer our shamer the grace that God has offered us. We not only pardon him; we also accept him. We take him back into our lives as a fellow member of the human family. Chances are that we are not able to restore the special relationship we had before. But if we cannot be reconciled, it will not be our resentment that prevents it.

Smedes adds that “forgiving is delicate soul surgery. Botched surgery can be worse than no surgery, and botched forgiveness can be worse than no forgiveness.” We are not to forgive out of a sense of duty, but because we want to . . . not because we feel we have to.

Choosing to forgive our offender is a decision to choose life. It moves us from an ego-centered, “Don’t you know who I am?” to a God-centered “Don’t you know who I am and whose I am?” and, in turn, “Don’t you know who you are and whose you are?” It is the calling forth of who we truly are – beloved sons and daughters of the living, life-giving God.

One of the best-known stories of forgiveness and reconciliation is the story of Joseph. As you may recall, Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers, thrown into prison after being falsely accused by Potiphar’s wife, and spent an additional two years there because Pharaoh’s cupbearer was having memory problems. Still, Joseph made a choice to forgive, and he and his brothers eventually reconciled. Joseph recognized that he was not in the place of God – it was not his responsibility to judge, condemn, and sentence his offenders. His responsibility was to be faithful to God – the God who calls us to be agents of reconciliation.

One freedom that Christ came to offer us is freedom from bondage to an unforgiving attitude. Instead of remaining in bondage to our offender, allowing her to set up house in our hearts, minds and souls, repeatedly giving her the power to re-injure us by our continual homage to the wrongdoing, we can choose the freedom that forgiveness brings. On the other hand, forgiveness is often so difficult that it can be done only with God’s help. But even if all we can do is offer to God a willingness to forgive our offender, the Holy Spirit uses that desire – however faint – to help us to forgive – and, in the process, to transform us from the inside out. Jesus, however, does not force that gift on us. He offers to help us forgive, but he leaves the decision to us.